President Declares War on the Unconscious, Promises to End All Bad Dreams

In a groundbreaking announcement that has left both sleep scientists and military strategists scratching their heads, the President of the United States has declared an all-out war on the unconscious mind. Yes, you heard it right - our leader is taking the fight to our dreams, nightmares, and those pesky subconscious thoughts that have been lurking in the shadows of our minds.

After months of heated debate in Congress, where senators were seen arguing fiercely about the nature of bad dreams and unfulfilled promises (with one senator reportedly falling asleep mid-argument, only to wake up screaming about a missed high school exam), the President announced his bold decision. “No more nightmares for Americans,” he declared, vowing to make the nation’s sleep great again.

The scientific breakthrough that led to this bizarre declaration? Researchers have reportedly discovered a way to open a portal into the dream world. This isn’t your average Narnia wardrobe or Alice’s rabbit hole - it’s a high-tech, sci-fi worthy gateway that allows physical intervention in the realm of dreams. The President, in his speech, assured the public that this was not a plot from an unaired ‘Star Trek’ episode.

And the tools at their disposal? Oh, they’re straight out of a dystopian novel - brainwashing machines, DIY lobotomy kits (available soon at your local hardware store), and, for some reason, colonoscopies. Because, as the President put it, “You never know where those bad thoughts might be hiding.” A special task force, named the Dream Clean Team, will be armed with these tools, ready to scrub our subconscious clean.

The operation, cheekily named “Operation Sweet Dreams,” is set to begin on the 30th of February. Yes, that date doesn’t exist, but that’s hardly the point. The government has allocated a handsome sum for this venture - a whopping 45% of the national budget for the next decade. Economists are baffled, therapists are overwhelmed, and mattress companies are seeing their stocks rise (because who wouldn’t want to invest in a good night’s sleep now?).

In preparation for D-Day (Dream-Day), citizens are being asked to submit their worst nightmares to the Department of Unconscious Defense. These will be used to create a “Most Wanted” list of bad dreams. The President has also suggested that people start practicing “conscious dreaming” to aid in the war effort, though it’s unclear how that would help.

As absurd as it may sound, there’s a moral to this story: Sometimes, the battles we choose to fight say more about us than the enemies we face. In a world fraught with real problems, our leader has chosen to wage war on an intangible, internal world. It’s a reminder that sometimes, the most important battles are the ones we fight within ourselves.

So, as we brace ourselves for this unprecedented war on the unconscious, one can only wonder: What dreams may come in this brave new world where even our sleep isn’t safe from politics? Stay tuned, and don’t forget to set your alarms - you wouldn’t want to oversleep and miss this spectacle.